Resident Evil Zero Spoof
by Ninjazz
Summary: Like I said 20 years ago, I want to make spoofs for almost all the games (the ones I like, at least) and someone wrote in a review I should make one for 0 and 5. I don't really like 5, so I'll find an alternative to that, but here's one for 0!


"Alpha team is flying around the forest zone situated in Northwest Raccoon City, where we're searching for the helicopter of our compatriots Bravo team, who disappeared during the-"

"Chris, this isn't your game," said Rebecca.

"What?"

"This isn't your game, bro…We ARE Bravo team, you're in the wrong game!"

Chris sighed. "I just want to be included…" he said.

"You have, like, ten thousand games. I have one. Get out," Rebecca said.

After his intrusive intro, Chris left the narrative, leaving Rebecca speechless. She sighed and leaned her head on the helicopter window, looking out. "What the hell am I supposed to say now?" she asked.

Kenneth leaned over. "Don't worry about it, we're crashing down soon," he said.

"You mean landing, right?" she asked.

Kenneth laughed and turned to the rest of Bravo team. "Landing…Ha!" he said.

They guys all laughed. Enrico, the squad leader, cleared his throat. "Leave her alone, guys," he said.

Rebecca smiled at her captain. "Than-"

"She's just a rookie; she'll be making a lot of mistakes like this," he said.

Her smiled faded just as fast as it had come. This was her first mission with the S.T.A.R.S. team, and she didn't wanna mess anything up. But her training was in medicine, so she wasn't sure just how much she could contribute. Then it hit her; if the helicopter crashes, and she's the only medic on board, she'll have to treat anyone who gets hurt, and then they'll be impressed with her. "Man," she said, "I can't wait until we crash!"

Everyone on Bravo looked at her. "That's…That's really dark, Rebecca," said Kenneth.

"Yeah," said Edward, another one of the boys, "what's wrong with you? Why would you be excited about crashing?"

Rebecca blinked. "But, you guys sounded so optimistic about it before…" she said. "I'm just trying to fit in."

"Rebecca, you know what else we're fond of? Living. We like living," said Kenneth.

"Fucking freak," said Edward.

Enrico put his hand up. "Hey, knock it off. She's just a kid," he said.

"Sir…I'm not a kid, I'm eighteen," said Rebecca.

Kenneth slid closer to her on the bench. "Eighteen, huh? That makes you legal…" he said.

Rebecca looked at him. "For what?" she asked.

"…Nothing. Nevermind," he said, sliding away again.

Enrico looked out the window. "Alright, we're here, you can take her down now," he said to the pilot.

Kevin Dooley, the pilot, nodded and started waving the controls around. "Alright guys, hang on! It's happening!" he said.

"What's happening!?" yelled Rebecca.

Edward looked at her. "We're crashing, you dope! We just said it like five times! Seriously, what's wrong with you!" he said.

Full of confusion, Rebecca grabbed one of the safety bars above her head and shut her eyes. The helicopter waved around, the controls beeped and flashed, and the guys yelled over the noises about something she couldn't quite make out. Maybe football or baseball or something.

Finally, the helicopter stopped spinning and smacked hard against the ground. Rebecca stood up and looked around. "Anyone in need of some medical assistance?" she asked.

Nobody answered, and for a moment she thought she might have too much on her hands at once. Then Enrico cleared his throat again. "Guys, we cool?" he asked.

"We cool," said Edward.

"But now what?" asked Kenneth.

"I dunno, I'm just the captain. Maybe we should go out there and check stuff out? Smoke 'em if you got 'em," he said.

Rebecca was confused again. This wasn't anything like she'd imagined her first mission to be. She watched Enrico step out of the chopper, then Edward. Everyone got out but her, Kenneth, and Kevin. "I'll stay here and try to get in contact with Vickers," said Kevin.

"Alright, cool. Hey guys!" Kenneth yelled out of the chopper. "We should totally play hide and seek or something!"

The guys all yelled "yeah!" at the same time, and Kenneth looked back to Rebecca inside the chopper. "You in?" he asked.

"You're…including me in the game?" asked Rebecca, smiling.

Kenneth smiled back. "Of course, we couldn't play without you," he said.

"Yeah! Yeah I'm in for sure, then!" said Rebecca.

He nodded. "Well then," he said. He reached over and smacked her on the shoulder. "YOU'RE IT!" he yelled, then jumped out of the chopper and shut the door. Rebecca looked out the window and saw him run to the others, and they all quickly ran out in the forest.

"Aw, come on! I can't even get my belt off!" she yelled.

Kevin turned his head around. "Honestly, neither can I," he said. "I just didn't wanna look like a fucking tool in front of the guys," he said.

Rebecca sighed and gave him a half smile. "Oh, well at least we can be tools together," she said.

"NOPE!" he yelled. He got out of his seat, opened the door, and jumped out. He then ran into the forest yelling "nerd!"

Rebecca sighed and pulled at her seatbelt. "I hate this job…" she said.


End file.
